Instructions
Paper #2 Gender Conversational Styles
(3-4 pages, typed, single spaced, minimum 3 scholarly sources)
Analyze an actual relationship that illustrates differences and/or similarities in women’s and men’s conversational styles as described by Deborah Tannen’s Rapport versus Report talk. Use the following headings in bold:
Description of the Relationship
- Define the relationship. Parent- child? Boyfriend-girlfriend? (You do not need to give out names if you feel uncomfortable sharing that information.)
- Describe two experiences that illustrate the relationship communication. Be specific.
Conversation Styles
- Describe the conversation styles illustrated by the two experiences using Tannen’s Genderlect Theory. Choose two from the Rapport versus Report style in the chart below. (i.e. Connection versus Status and Private talk versus Public talk) Use communication vocabulary. Give specific examples of the type of communication you witnessed. Specifics will help us get a clearer picture of the communication and your analysis.
Women versus Men
Build rapport………………………………...Reports facts
Connection………………………………….Status
Relationship…………………………………Task
Private………………………………………Public
Expressive (feelings)………………………. Instrumental (facts)
Troubles Talk (offers empathy)……………..Fix-it Talk (offers advice)
Sounds tentative……………………………. Sounds certain
Indirect………………………………………Direct
Fight because angry…………………………Fight for fun
Initiates and………………………………….Controls conversation
maintains conversation
Communication Strategies
- Describe how each partner copes with the differences and/or similarities in conversational styles. (behavior, feelings, biases) How effective are these coping strategies?
Other Theory
- What would you suggest to improve the communication?
- How could one of the theories you have studied be applied to improve the communication?
Power
- Describe the power differences in the communication relationship. Is it equal? How would you change the balance of power?
Conclusion
- What relationship communication lessons did you learn from doing this analysis? What can you use to improve your communication?
Work Cited
West, Richard and Lynn H. Turner. Introducing Communication Theory: Analysis and Application. 4th Ed. Boston, MA: McGraw-Hill, 2010.
Paper #2 (Gender Conversational Styles)
Bryan Baucom
Human Communications
April 14, 2015
Gender Conversations
Description of the relationship
When my wife and I got married in June of 2011, we were jokingly told that our marriage was, “just this side of incest.” Melissa and I met when we were seven years old while on vacation in Lake Powell. Three sets of our grandparents have lived on the same street for decades. Friendships grew between neighbors; sports teams and church callings cemented a relationship not only between Melissa’s grandparents and mine but between our parents, aunts and uncles as well. Years later, our families would purchase a ranch together where many summer days were spent. With such a meaningful connection between the two families, it seemed like our wedding was all but arranged. As friends first, it wasn’t until later that we both saw something more in our relationship. Now that we’ve been married for almost four years, we still encounter communication differences. This paper will discuss some of the communication styles we have faced; for example, direct vs. indirect communication and connection vs. status communication.
Conversation Styles
A. Even though Melissa and I have known each other for most of our lives and dated for a year, we still faced a communication learning curve as we got married. And even after four years of marriage, I continue to notice a distinct difference in our communication. More specifically, I’ve noticed the difference between our direct and indirect communication. Melissa has a degree in Public Health from BYU and was an outstanding collegiate athlete and as such, her greatest enemy is the all mighty, body destroying: fast food restaurant. Never in a million years would she ever publicly admit she has willingly chosen to eat fast food, but she has… I think.
One afternoon while driving home from Las Vegas we were just coming up on St. George and needed something to eat. As we approached the freeway exit, we drove passed a sign listing all available restaurants in St. George. Melissa turned to me and asked, “Do you want to stop at McDonald’s?” I replied, “Not really, do you want McDonald’s?” She looked at me with a disgusted face and responded “No, but I figured you would want it and it is close to the freeway.” There were tons of other restaurant options close to McDonald’s, but we did indeed stop and eat some French fries and Melissa’s favorite, a vanilla ice cream cone. This interaction was a communication breakdown between direct and indirect communication.
Cynthia Joyce, from the University of Iowa, stated, “In indirect communication, the common in high-context cultures, the meaning is conveyed not just by the words used but by nonverbal behaviors…. Direct communicators tend to say what they think. Their message is conveyed primarily by the words they use and they depend on the literal interpretation of these words” (The Impact of Direct and Indirect Communication, par. 5).
B. Communication in any relationship is vital to its success. One of the biggest communication differences I notice is communicating to build a connection or communicating to build status. “The fundamental difference that drives much other behavior is that women have a deep drive to seek connection, whilst men have a deep drive to see status” (Genderlect, par. 2). Long, frustrating days are no stranger to the college student (or anyone for that matter), and sometimes those tough days turn into tough weeks. One day I was particularly fed up and tired from a bad week and when I got home, Melissa greeted me with dinner.
As we sat at the dinner table, Melissa tried to talk to me about my day. Because I was not in a good mood, I thought it might be better to just not say anything at all. As Melissa tried and tried to get me to talk about how I was feeling, I grew more and more upset. While I was in another room avoiding having to talk about my feelings, my older brother called me. We talked about our days and compared stories of how frustrating life can be. In what seemed like no time at all, we began laughing as we shared stories back and forth. After hanging up the phone, Melissa glared me down and asked the question, “How come I can’t get you in a better mood but Johnny can?”
Communication Strategies
A. Melissa has outstanding will power when it comes to eating healthy, she would never be direct and let the words, “I’m hungry and McDonald’s sounds good,” escape her lips. Rather, she took the indirect approach by asking if I wanted McDonald’s and that she thought I would want that. I, on the other hand, was as direct as I possibly could be. Because the freeway off ramp was approaching, I asked the most direct, yes or no question I could think of, “Do you want McDonalds’?” and I did not receive the direct response I was looking for.
B. To set the record straight, no one makes me happier than Melissa. But when it comes to communicating, nothing takes my mind off of a bad day like building or maintaining status. When facing a hard day, the best method of coping for me is building status by swapping stories and making other guys laugh when they hear about my day. When Melissa watches this take place, she automatically thinks that I have a better connection with someone else, which is not the case.
When Melissa has a bad day, I have learned (through trial and error) that the best thing to do is listen and talk about how she feels and reassure her that I am on her side. Building a strong connection is important in a relationship but I have found that men and women build that connection in different ways. For Melissa, the best way to build a connection is talking to one another. Describing feelings, fears, goals, and ambitions. It is no wonder that when I chose not to talk about my feelings or my day with her and instead talked and laughed about it with my brother, she felt that I would rather connect with someone besides her.
Other Theory
A. For almost four years now, Melissa and I have both have been working hard to understand what each other is actually saying, with or without words. I have been getting better at picking up on Melissa’s indirect forms of communication while Melissa has realized that she needs to be more direct. When it comes to improving the direct and indirect communication patterns in our relationship, I have relied heavily on the Uncertainty Reduction Theory. This theory uses particular strategies to reduce the uncertainty produced with interactions while trying to predict the outcome of a conversation with another person (West and Turner 147).
B. It is tough to say what I could do to better improve my communication when it comes to connection vs. status. When I talk about how hard my day was, I am not looking for or wanting sympathy, I just want my problem to be fixed. However, when it comes to viewing my situation through the lens of the Coordinated Management of Meaning Theory, which states, “two people who are interacting socially, and constructing the meaning of their conversation. Each of the individuals is also comprised of an interpersonal system which helps explain their actions and reactions” (“Coordinated Management of Meaning,” par. 1), I view Melissa as “naggy” and she views me as someone who might not care about her. Just like when William Gudykunst said when he was asked how to create a better social world, “One way is to help people enrich communication patterns of which they are a part” (Gudykunst 46).
Power
The most common advice we received when we were engaged was, “marriage is a lot of give and take.” I have most definitely seen that when it comes to communication. Each day a marriage is faced with all different types of choices. Some choices matter to me and other matter more to Melissa. When faced with these choices we both have been pretty good at analyzing the situation and putting each others’ needs first. In those situations, the person who cares more usually has the final say. In the situations where we both are worried or have a lot of input (like big purchases or family problems), we sit down and talk about the possible outcomes. We find ourselves using our own gender styles of conversation; whether that’s direct and indirect or connection and status; we both listen and come to a conclusion. Looking at our marriage, I don’t believe one of us has all the power all the time, I would say that its an equal division of power… that is, if that’s what Melissa wants.
Conclusion
This gender communication section has taught me so much about myself and so much about my marriage. From doing this analysis, I have learned to really listen to what Melissa is trying to say and to act on it. When I receive indirect messages from her, I have learned to respond in the way she is looking for. When faced with conversations where Melissa is looking for a connection and I am looking for status, I have taken the time to connect with Melissa while she has given me the status in the way she forms her sentences. With any type of communication, the most important thing is to listen. A way I can improve communication is to listen not to just what is being said but how it is said.
Works Cited
“Coordinated Management of Meaning.” Coordinated Management of Meaning. University of Twente. Web. 13 Apr. 2015.
“Genderlect.” Genderlect. Web. 29 Apr. 2015.
Gudykunst, William. “Theorizing About Intercultural Communication.” Amazon.com. Sage Publications, 2005. Web. 13 Apr. 2015.
Joyce, Cynthia. “The Impact of Direct and Indirect Communication.” The International Ombudsman Association. Web. 29 Apr. 2015.
Richard West & Lynn H. Turner. Introducing Communication Theory: Analysis and Application 4th Edition. MA: McGraw-Hill, 2010
Reflection
1. This assignment helps illustrate the growth I have made in this class simply in the way I am finding myself interacting and responding to males, females, conflict and communication. From learning the simple communication theories combined with different genderlects styles I have grown more in my understanding of cultures, communities, and people. I can't remember an assignment or a class that pushed me to grow more in my understanding of cultures and people like this class and assignment has. I am glad I took this class.
2. I have already applied the things I have learned in this class. I will continue to apply those things I have learned in this class by being respectful of all people and understanding that people come from different back grounds and have different styles of communication. In my marriage, I have already seen these communication theories come to life and by understanding these theories I have been able to hear what is being said along with how it is being said. It is a beautiful thing.
